March 16,  2020

I have no words for what has transpired in the last few days. My heart, my mind and my body all have different reactions and maybe I was just waiting for them to come to the party, together. Maybe I was waiting on a pandemic to feel.

My heart

The main reason I never wanted to get this close was for moments like this. It’s not heartbreaking. Its just truth. All the lying comes down to one moment of truth and we are at that now. This ain’t my companion though this be my tribesman. Him and I are not on a journey together. I ate Del Taco last night to remind myself that I am not as loved as I think I am. When the world ends. This is the second time in my life that I have felt this way. Who calls when this shit hits the fan? Who calls to check in? I feel like I should keep a list but I already know what it is. My heart knows more than my mind and I think that’s better to allow me to forgive and move-on.

If there was anything that I ever paid attention to growing up it was the stories of the adventurers who used their quests to fill voids in a mundane society. Early 2000s, it was my cowboy boots and the hat to match. This little Levis that were high-waisted enough to hide me while leting my tits shine. Fluctuating weight like I was fluctuating men. I dream about life getting down to the one. One of everything because why do you need more? We carry around too much stuff. I’m liquidating.

I carried around this idea that within this rebellious tribe that I found solace, I’m often left alone in feelings. My tribesmen are with their fears or wives. I am the lone warrior wondering who is willing to stand here and fight with me. For in the depths of my heart I feel that if you are not beside me in this moment or behind me, you better get the fuck up out of my way.

So much loneliness. Was that the preparation for this moment right now? Was I getting my heart prepared to only think and survive  for myself. I date some of the most selfish men and always pour out. The way that I think a good woman should. I give and I give and I wait for some anything that excites me. I’m bored.

To know him is to love him. I let him see me for my truth and get to know a side of me that few have ever seen. I’m one of the only few encouraging his legacy and still stroking his dick alongside his ego.

You eiter pick your head up to see the world around you or you bury yourself in yourself and let the world pass you by. I think I’ve been letting the world pass me by in order to not fall for its weak temptations. If I’m going to be tempted by something, let it be something that leads me to a higher place of consciousness and vigor. I demand a challenge because I have to go get taller and stronger. That’s when temptation is no longer fear, it is merely a test of the mind.

My mind
Some may say I’m crazy for my behavior. Thankfully, I have been given text to justify my  pattens. Ancient studies of philosophy, resilience and what it truly means to be steadfast through the hardest of times. I weighed my life experience. The fact that I have no kids, no lover, no family close enough to make anything matter. I look at my life and ask if there is much legacy to leave. If every accolade and reward only boils down to the instantaneous moments of ego along the surface. What if shit gets bad and the only people who know me are the people who die near me. My legacy is left in how I behave for the will of survival.

I know I’ve always been ahead. This much cranial space and you’d hope for telepathy. This next magazine is pivotal to how we move going forward. I’ve been scrambling for months to find security while taking on the wildest jobs. I’ve been searching for a moment to reset and restructure my life. I think we all needed a moment but I feel that I finally have it now. Now it is time to budget, eat and sustain.

I have to come to understand the word sustainability in more ways than I ever have.
What does it feel like to eat, think, and live in a way where you dont know what is coming next and all you have is all you have? I don’t want my mind to go to that place but that’s how I always think. I’m going to pack and move like this could be the end. If I return and my things are still here, great. If the wold has destroyed it. Fine. I will leave with my mind for that is the only office, home, and system that has made me feel safe.

I have to stop the spending. I have to act like nothing is coming in.
Your beauty will be restored. Your heart will be replenished.

I have to write everyday and read everyday and make sure that my still moments in nature are not interfered with my expectations of man. I have to let go of of a lot of shit in order to come out of this on top and to have value. That random ass Harvard class that I took was not just for show. It had to teach me about the institutional voids. The power of  understanding that after this moment, people are going to be looking for answers. This is the moment the separates the weak from the obsolete. This is the shit that actually matters because of how fast I think and how good I am at problem solving. I may not have all the answers but I know that I will be able to maneuver with a slight advantage. All this running and sport. It is now time for a superbody.

My body

Ever since I saw Grace Jones’ black skin and detailed physique, I have always wanted to shape my body into a godlike figure. Something to match my mind. I know what to do. Now I just have to do it.

Posture has been bad because I haven’t been in yoga. That shit has to change. Everyday. Hawaii has to feel like you are checking the list. Make it now,  the world has stopped and you have all the time in the world for yourself. Make yourself the priority. Find a way to share all of these truths and demand those eyes on you. You’re precious.

Not everyone deserves time. You do.