Words







It’s still poetry month, rih?


April 23, 2020
     

I’ve been going back and forth (w/ myself) over what I want to share on this platform. I’m not an expert or accredited scientist, but trust, I’m steady testing these situations and taking notes. Humanity doesn’t deserve me. There, I said it. It doesn’t deserve Bernie, Shiva ... anyone who has been screaming from the mountaintop while y’all sit back and act like you can’t hear anything but a DJ play. My frustration is not in the situation we are in, it’s where we have been. I used to smoke so much weed to just keep me here. To let me engage w/ you simpletons on ur terms and now that I’ve cut that shit, I’m still trying to figure out how to embrace the ignants w/ no judgement.  It’s hard. You make it hard to want for more when you just want to let life pass u by while others (self included) are out here trying to live their  ancestors dreams. I struggle with my passion. Never my faith or my fears but my desire to do this for ppl who no longer want to try or fight. Ppl who are just waiting for life to pass them by. I come from a lineage of freedom fighters and my torch is always on its last ember. Then the wind kicks in and there I am, again, on fire. I could post the research but then I gotta remind niggas to read. I could share the videos but then clowns wanna ask me what apps I use to edit the feed. I could fight with the right but no one has time for all that, esp when u black and a woman to bat. So I just float my ass in the ocean and wait for God to speak to me. Humans ain’t saying nothing but “help” but when it’s time they don’t know themselves. Been in my feelings about this for a few days and this is the most unedited realness I’ve shared since I’ve been here. I keep trying to walk away but there’s a reason I’m still here.





Everyday


Beach


March 16,  2020




7:46am
I have no words for what has transpired in the last few days. My heart, my mind and my body all have different reactions and maybe I was just waiting for them to come to the party, together. Maybe I was waiting on a pandemic to feel.


My heart

The main reason I never wanted to get this close was for moments like this. It’s not heartbreaking. Its just truth. All the lying comes down to one moment of truth and we are at that now. This ain’t my companion though this be my tribesman. Him and I are not on a journey together. I ate Del Taco last night to remind myself that I am not as loved as I think I am. When the world ends. This is the second time in my life that I have felt this way. Who calls when this shit hits the fan? Who calls to check in? I feel like I should keep a list but I already know what it is. My heart knows more than my mind and I think that’s better to allow me to forgive and move-on. 


If there was anything that I ever paid attention to growing up it was the stories of the adventurers who used their quests to fill voids in a mundane society. Early 2000s, it was my cowboy boots and the hat to match. This little Levis that were high-waisted enough to hide me while leting my tits shine. Fluctuating weight like I was fluctuating men. I dream about life getting down to the one. One of everything because why do you need more? We carry around too much stuff. I’m liquidating. 


I carried around this idea that within this rebellious tribe that I found solace, I’m often left alone in feelings. My tribesmen are with their fears or wives. I am the lone warrior wondering who is willing to stand here and fight with me. For in the depths of my heart I feel that if you are not beside me in this moment or behind me, you better get the fuck up out of my way.


So much loneliness. Was that the preparation for this moment right now? Was I getting my heart prepared to only think and survive  for myself. I date some of the most selfish men and always pour out. The way that I think a good woman should. I give and I give and I wait for some anything that excites me. I’m bored. 


To know him is to love him. I let him see me for my truth and get to know a side of me that few have ever seen. I’m one of the only few encouraging his legacy and still stroking his dick alongside his ego.


You eiter pick your head up to see the world around you or you bury yourself in yourself and let the world pass you by. I think I’ve been letting the world pass me by in order to not fall for its weak temptations. If I’m going to be tempted by something, let it be something that leads me to a higher place of consciousness and vigor. I demand a challenge because I have to go get taller and stronger. That’s when temptation is no longer fear, it is merely a test of the mind.


My mind
Some may say I’m crazy for my behavior. Thankfully, I have been given text to justify my  pattens. Ancient studies of philosophy, resilience and what it truly means to be steadfast through the hardest of times. I weighed my life experience. The fact that I have no kids, no lover, no family close enough to make anything matter. I look at my life and ask if there is much legacy to leave. If every accolade and reward only boils down to the instantaneous moments of ego along the surface. What if shit gets bad and the only people who know me are the people who die near me. My legacy is left in how I behave for the will of survival.


I know I’ve always been ahead. This much cranial space and you’d hope for telepathy. This next magazine is pivotal to how we move going forward. I’ve been scrambling for months to find security while taking on the wildest jobs. I’ve been searching for a moment to reset and restructure my life. I think we all needed a moment but I feel that I finally have it now. Now it is time to budget, eat and sustain.

I have to come to understand the word sustainability in more ways than I ever have.
What does it feel like to eat, think, and live in a way where you dont know what is coming next and all you have is all you have? I don’t want my mind to go to that place but that’s how I always think. I’m going to pack and move like this could be the end. If I return and my things are still here, great. If the wold has destroyed it. Fine. I will leave with my mind for that is the only office, home, and system that has made me feel safe.


I have to stop the spending. I have to act like nothing is coming in.
Your beauty will be restored. Your heart will be replenished.


I have to write everyday and read everyday and make sure that my still moments in nature are not interfered with my expectations of man. I have to let go of of a lot of shit in order to come out of this on top and to have value. That random ass Harvard class that I took was not just for show. It had to teach me about the institutional voids. The power of  understanding that after this moment, people are going to be looking for answers. This is the moment the separates the weak from the obsolete. This is the shit that actually matters because of how fast I think and how good I am at problem solving. I may not have all the answers but I know that I will be able to maneuver with a slight advantage. All this running and sport. It is now time for a superbody.


My body

Ever since I saw Grace Jones’ black skin and detailed physique, I have always wanted to shape my body into a godlike figure. Something to match my mind. I know what to do. Now I just have to do it.

Posture has been bad because I haven’t been in yoga. That shit has to change. Everyday. Hawaii has to feel like you are checking the list. Make it now,  the world has stopped and you have all the time in the world for yourself. Make yourself the priority. Find a way to share all of these truths and demand those eyes on you. You’re precious.

Not everyone deserves time. You do. 






“My whole life is a search for pull quotes”


February 25, 2020
       

I have to be on camera today and the thought of it is nerve-racking. I wish I would have spent more time telling my computer all these stories instead of selfish people. The only bit of my ego I like to give away is this and I have nothing to show for it. Ha.  

My face gets puffy when I smoke. I’ve been over consuming bc I know I’m done. It’s having other effects on me. I know my mood is often settled and I’m bleekly nonchalant. It’s really bc the j is all I put my mouth on even though I would much rather it be a lovers lips.
Horny. Ha. 

I’ve gotta play this game that makes me cringe.

Ice my face.

Repout the lips.

Paint my eyes to make them sparkle.

Ta da.





Obama

February 22, 2020
       

I tried to tell him everything that I could. That I really love him. He replied the same but with actually. We keep naming all the cities. All the moments.

How much of a lowlife am I for fucking around with someone who only wants to fly low in life. I’ve also been in the room with the majors and never felt as if I was lacking. As if I didn’t have the same thing that those people had in that very moment. An experience of this lifetime.

I keep stopping my train of thought to think about him. Maybe that’s the weed.

“You smoke weed my dude.”

“And U drink all day.”


Now I know what the edge feels like. Maybe I just think that way for shock value.



Checklister

February 21, 2020
       

Learned how to be quiet today. How to let things not get to me and how to let people just do what they have to do. I can not be moved. Something like a monk bc I know what boils inside but I can’t let the basic ways of people sway me. The goals have to be clear so that I am never in this situation again. I know I wanted to live with someone to keep me sane and around people. Then I realized that I can no longer let people in and out of my space. I need to have my own space. Run that shit. Run those systems. Find those solutions.



I really can not stand people who have to talk all the time.

Let a good moment be a good moment.

Let things feel and be chill.

Let the silence heal.


But then again, I’m a different type of human.

I have to shift. To own my shit again.

If I take this gig with SM that will be a good shift.

A nice walk back to where I know I belong.

I want to go back to NY and get away from the pretentiousness.

Life is about learning. About being the best that I can be in a place that loves and respects me.

That shit isn’t here.

Maybe I just had to show up and let it heal me.

Let the sun calm me down and let my body reset.

But I need to be back in a space that moves me



u toying 

February 20, 2020
       

Had him meet me at the Line for what we both wanted. Every moment is dangerous with us but that is what makes it fun. The suspense. We were supposed to have a talk for UNDO. I cancelled it. Took the room and walked around incognito even though Jason was in the lobby. Hope he held court. I’m at the point in life where I’m tired of holding hands. Doing all the work for others to get inspired then vanish. Take the honesty for their own clout and glory. I’m not here for it, though at times I wish I could be. Enough deep philosophy and you start to put yourself away. A spec of dust amongst other stars that were made of dust like matter. You’re a piece of the equation but that is up to you to decide which piece. The formula or the result.


At a point where the weird shit starts. I start saying no to everything. Put the experience in palm and throw it in their faces when they try and test you. Quit toying when there is a level of professionalism and respect that you expect at this point in life. Folks respect you and your crazy. They’ve never seen something so nice work so mean.



Today you work on UNDO. Keep the emails flowing. Keep the spirit going before you lose the one thing that you worked so hard to build. I know you are tired. I know you want help but there has to be something within the turmoil that sparks the fire. Its an ember, a pile of rubbish that just needs to burn slow before it grows bigger. You have made that. Developed that. Created it with your bare hands and hard effort and it would be a shame if you lost it bc of the same reason that you started it. Humans on they bullshit.


“There is no such thing as fate. There is nothing to compel us. What we have done, that we can undo.”


“Yesterday’s New Quintet”

February 15, 2020
       

3:30 I woke up

I checked to see if anyone gave a fuck

They didn’t

30 mins pooping out the dairy

Not sure why i keep letting my mind do that to the rest of my body

5am call time

Sir Rockington arrived 8 mins early.

Threw everything in a tote

He’s listening to migos, trying to hold a convo at the wrong hour

I tell him to put on something smooth

Of course he doesn’t know

“Yesterday’s new quintet, can u play the whole thing?”

Then he went driving in the slow lane

Can’t turn the music up bc the kia isn’t his anyways 

Making wrong turns bc it’s all a relic of lifestyle

Im a musician. No nigga. U is an Uber driver.



“What’s dystopian for some is reality for us.”

February 10, 2020
       

Tochi Onyebuchi - Riot Baby


What if he does miss me? What if he is so rocked mentally off what he knows he can not have that he just acts a fool in the process? What if you just ignored him. The same way he does you at times. He knows you are still jonesing. He chased you with more colors in his box before he knew how big of a painting you would be. Then you let him color you in and outside the lines. Maybe he only has one box of colors and they’ve all been used.




“Tried it but took an uber”

February 8, 2020
       
Trying to get better at writing this shit down. I can talk about it all day.


5 miles then this.

I was tired. Kept stopping.

Running fast but not sustaining the pace.

I need to go out and cruise tomorrow.  

Pull back and go for mileage.



You need to sit down and do some work.

Spend no money.

Budget yourself.

I recognize your hustle, admire your POV and am in your DMs bc I can’t be near you IRL to give you a high five.


You don’t become good bye trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.


Five miles plus UACTP. I’m pushing it. I have nothing else to give right now. Not ready to think about someone if they can’t be open with me. It’s such a fine line bc these fools want you to be sweet and gentle. Everything that comes with that wants to care and consider this to be something worth pursuing. Then they get scared because they can’t measure up. Maybe I’m just too open. Maybe I haven’t worked through the deaths around me.


I should stop writing about myself and start capturing what’s around me. How I’m late for my hang with Michael David, already. How the sun feels.


Reba is sweet. She’s a good friend. Drove me home in the jeep. No directions, as usual.









“Never need a bitch, I’m what a bitch needs.”

February 6, 2020

       
Called Quincy Jones and they had secret garden  as his hold music.

Spent the entire day with the Don’t Bother. Not sure how I feel about him just yet. I can tell he is locked inside of his own insecurities but he’s going to have to let me in somehow if he wants to be so playful. Shit doesn’t make any sense.

I do know for one thing. He won’t find anything like me in LA. 

I also feel like stepping away for a second. Giving him some space to breathe. I’m overwhelming. Maybe that is the young shit that Tikal talks about. How I just turn into a teenager when its actually time to show love. How do you love everyone but only show your love to few? How do you find balance in opening yourself to others? I consider myself to be a flower. Opening and closing with the seasons. Dying at times them growing new buds like new skin. I die so many times and keep getting born again. The only thing that has stayed consistent is the music. It has lived throughout these cycles to remind me that I am truly still alive in this body. The soul is omnipresent but the body is new. New skin. New blood. New ideas that orbit like a galaxy and all I’m trying to do is see every planet. Feel every astroid hit the back of my head like a big mistake. Fly so free that it feels like there is no ground below me. No gravity to hold me. So free that I embody the word and others learn to break free by watching me.






“Homies…”

January 29, 2020 
       
Of crs ...

I’m almost finished

The first two I flipped to, were you.

Blk letters in a white world.

“I didn’t like you when I met you”

“Shout out to my niggas in Mexico”



It’s as if you have a guest room in my mind

Every time i think I’ve kicked you out

You brotha man your way onto my 5th floor.

Infiltrating my thoughts.



I can’t tell you how much I love you - unless we’re both boozed

And ur inches from inside me

Taking off the last of my clothes


I can’t octane u

I can’t repay u

I just hope my honesty gives you vigor.

And u know, that I know, that u know, that u summit my list of niggas



Keep giving me memoir level feelings and I’ll keep telling the sun to shine your way.


“I didn’t know when I thought, I don’t like that how, it was just my reflection I couldn’t stand. I saw it. The way you would break me into a better me. I ran from it. Like any child, I saw my medicine and it looked so sharp, so exact, a blade fit to the curve of my name. “



“Freddie, get out of the wigs.”

January 28, 2020
       
“He just loves that wig drawer”.  - Justin


I just ran 8 miles in an hour. I don’t know who i am anymore. 

Gotta work on handling it all.
Need help and really gotta use the people i have to get what I want.


I ate oatmeal- all day. Oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal with avocado and cotija for lunch. Snacked on popcorn and passion fruit. Working on the urges. Gotta replace Eric’s bars. Again. Need protein. Need to finish cleaning my room. Need to give it a hard go in the AM as well. This is what dreams are made of. There is stuff  that doesn’t make any sense anymore because you’re attempting to live in the presence. You’ve always been a storyteller. You can’t tell the real story until you write it down.


You’re learning. Regurgitating your opinion  on your sick nephew. God Bless him. He sounded better on the phone. Like he’s listening. Willing to try new things. I wish I would have been more patient with all of them. Who knows? They may come back around.







“There are 22 people in front of me. I don’t have time to just stand here.”

January 25, 2020
       
Walked to the bicycle coffee shop for a vegan sandwich and some cheese tots. Gotta give up the cheese if I want my body to heal right. Yesterday was a homemade grilled on onion bread. I made a turmeric tomato sauce to compliment. Avocado on the side.


I hope that night with Don’t Bother  has kicked the cook in me, again. It’s hard to eat a meal made with love with no one to love. That’s probable why I don’t cook for Ebach. I don’t want to blur those lines.


A sweet rose latte w/ oatmeal milk. I’m watching the IFC climbing world cups thinking about my ability. This could be next on the list. 


Smitten. Boys are my favorite type of excitement. This one feels like an old toy car that they no longer make anymore. It’s refreshing. I really hope this helps me feel again bc it’s been way too long. I think he respects me, my brain. One genius to another. We could be powerful, beautiful and peaceful. Gotta get Tikal off the brain.


Gotta get a grip on life.

It feels hectic, yet it’s just me.

Some people find that selfish but I’m in the business of people.

Fuck what they think.


“I can’t buy hair products in my neighborhood.
I go to the Marshall’s in Inglewood.”




“They’re here for interaction not inspiration.”

January 24, 2020 
       
I guess.

Instead of reflecting, write and let go.

I’m learning a lot from him.

He’s showing me more since the rest of the world feels so boring.

I’m in love with learning through feeling

I’m camel and green today

Committed to getting attention

But what will I do with it.


I’m letting weeks go by without taking care of important business and it’s scaring the shit out of me. That shit ain’t cool. 


Went to see Black Party and BJ the Chicago kid @ SoHo house West. I was irritated. It was my period or maybe it was my truth. So over everyone and their egos.


“You got me at polenta”



“Hydrated, moisturized, centered, and paid.”


January 22, 2020

     
You have to be important in your city. You can’t just be. 

You can melt the kisses down.  

Monarchies are kinda trash.

We might as well cuddle.

Stay on the dirt.






“Uber home”

January 12, 2020
       
Carl Jung’s dream theory claims that the act of dreaming is not just personal but a universal alignment of human thought, time and understanding. Dreaming is an act of unconscious manifestation. Seeds before soil. Life as a form of clay.


There was a time in my life when I had stopped dreaming. Nights were spent processing data yet lacked adequate passion to pull me into a state of lucid exploration. I’m so uninspired by the simpletons of this world. So bored with plebeians in this running scene. So frustrated with the limits of human interaction, ardor and development.


This documentary has been my reoccurring dream for the past 6 months. I close my eyes to envision the ideal visual narrative and open my lids to living it. In her memoirs, former American Vogue creative director, Grace Coddington, shares that she never sleeps while in transit. She puts her nose to the window, allowing the environment to bleed into her brain.


My mind is soaked in colors, textures, sounds, notes, and feelings that have flooded my medulla. I’m drenched from this experience and excited to wring out every ounce of inspiration absorbed.


Thank you for being part of my wild dreams and vivid reality. Thank you for trusting me. What a fucking way to kick off a new decade.




Tianguistienco

January 7, 2020 
       
It smells like citrus

Like old ground water and a million footsteps

Like guanábana at it’s ripest

I took a deep inhale in and a longer one out

Walking too fast to absorb it all

Everything around me

Muchacha shaving pricks off the cacti

The tapping of dirty fingers on the brains of fish heads

I took a deep breath in

Light headed on the release 

9000 feet up in a world brand new

Back to exactly where we were 4 days ago but with the beat of the city 

I took a deep exhale

The liquor  started to slow my body down and frantic brain

Herbal remedies

Local foods 

Im not sure what today means but I want to take a second to process it. I want to see it all for what it is. The pieces. The process. The things that people just don’t see. Whatever the space is between the line. Somewhere in an indestructible current.



The Watercolor Effect 

February 1, 2019
       

It’s as if they think diluting it will make it better.

It’s usually the basic and bland, which I’m starting to use in exchange for “white people”, some of you colored folks have lost your ability to keep to saturation as well. People aren’t dreaming for themselves anymore. They are just following suit. Fucking sheep in the valley. I was on an evening flight Sunday and the pilot mentioned the view of the sunset from the plane and everyone on-board lost their shit to see the sun go down as if they had never seen it before. Passengers went from being completely inebriated to pressed against the right side of the plane as if that was safe for flying above 10,000 feet. Everyone had to be in the know and if not, they were willing to die trying. I get put on an email with someone who is my direct competitor. They have never reached out to me themselves but they know I exist. They probably also THINK that they are better because of the money behind them or the eggshell blasted aesthetic in which they present. We’re talking sports magazines and the importance of health but let’s pay attention to the fact that 99% of these entities are owned and operated by the basic and bland who have no spirit for the game, just a hand in the cash pot. Case in point, most marathons or organized races are not owned or operated by an African but they’re usually the fetishized winners with no representation beyond the elite level in which they perform. Everyone makes money off the talent but when the talent wants to work within the business, they’re not welcomed. Only to make money from, never to make money with.




I can help you  

October 20, 2019
       


Mr. MTA from inside the booth asked if he can help. That rarely happens. I looked back and smiled. Ran up to the window with all perplexity. He said “I can help you” my response was “that’s new”

Transactions mishaps. I needed a monthly. He needed cash. Missed my train and he let me ride free.

Glad my ears were working.



hostile at the hostel  

October 18, 2019
       

“Hey Lover,” followed by “So Into You.” First thing that I saw this morning was the memory of your silhouette in the shower. You know how to temper a good shower. I’m standing on the train listening to someone else play their feelings out while feeling mine in their entirety. What are we going to do? Run away for a moment? Then rerun back to reality and ignore each other in the real world. Is that the premise of this? SIx years past the first kiss.



Pain, suffering, heartache, and hope  

August 14, 2019
       



Never felt so alone before. Not sure if I did this to myself or if this is the way things are just supposed to be for me to grow up. I keep telling people that I’m somewhere between 16 and 60. Immature yet old af. I’ve denied myself a lot of things in order to feel a certain way. Like romance for instance. I want romance so bad but refuse to take it in a form that does not appreciate me. A love that does not believe in me. That’s one of my biggest struggles is that people want me the way they need me, instead of for what and who I am called to be. Admiring that is key. I’m not afraid to admit what I need. I need people to let me be great without trying to take. I need for my family to want to talk our their problems instead of hiding. Man. That feels like the constant struggle. I’m so ready to talk about all the problems. The lack of support and connections. At times I feel like I’m the culprit- I was the first to leave home. But then again, my parents never really had close connections with people for too long. Funny.


My goal today is to get all of my words out. Ask for what I need. Make that a routine on Wednesday’s. I show up with open arms at least one day a week. I allow the world to teach me. For God to speak through me.





Leak 

April 20, 2019
       



You penetrate deep and plant your seeds in rich fields for the promise of a plentiful harvest. 

When the secret finally stops, I will mourn for you in private.  

If I die first, you can tell them the truth.



I have no home. 

April 17, 2019
       


I’m not going to allow this shit to get the best of me. My mind has been uneasy. My thoughts have been plagued with negativity. 


The water is green and the people are happy.

Packed everything up and put it into storage. Took a one way trip to CDMX.

Maybe I’ve lost my mind.

I don’t know what’s on the other end of this.

If I’ll even have enough money to find a place when I get back or keep up with the energy in the cities I once called home.

At this very moment, I have no home.

I’m a vagabond.

It’s me, two bags and a whole lot of hope for what’s on the other side of chaos.


I’ve been lied to over and over again by people who think that they can just waste my time.

When did we as a society just blatantly start lying to people in order to manage a schedule. Nostalgic over the old experiences of getting a phone call at home. How much joy that used to bring. You would rush to the phone to see if the person on the other line was looking for you. Talking was never a chore. Connection was all we went for.

Now my phone rings and I don’t even want to answer it. My voicemail is probably full and has been that way for years.



#mlkday 

January 29, 2019 
       

Imagine going ahead of your tribe to fight for what’s right and returning to a village that no longer wants to battle. Privilege has caused a lot of black people to find humor in the disparages of our past. Maybe it’s a copping mechanism for trauma but it’s influenced others to make a joke out of some shit that’s just not funny. Y’all can miss me all the way with those durag posts. You must have forgotten what went down prior to your lament existence. Hit me if you need a speech suggestion, I have a playlist. I’m taking the time to check myself. I hope you take a second to listen. 



Plant Babies 

January 20, 2019
       

Bamboo - Kima, Keisha, Pam

Fiddleleaf - Fonzworth

Viper bow string hemp - Lil Kim

Patricha aquatica - Puff

Philodendron - Faith Evans

Zanibar gem - Shyne

Dragontree - Drag-On

Spathiphyllum -  Miss Hylton

Dieffenbachia - Loon

Golden pothos - Kim Porter

Prestoa Montana - Devante swing

Aloe - Flip mode

Aloe - Black rob

Aloe - Guerilla Black

Zanibar gem - mad rapper

Pepperomia - Cassie

Pepperomia - Boom Kat

Succulents - Danity Kane

Basil - Da Band

Parsley - Day 26



Supple Fingers 

October 21, 2018
       

Tastefest, Detroit, 2006.

It was my first time touring and you told me to not eat bullshit.

July, Los Angeles, 2009.

You invited me over for tacos, Jenga and a good head rub. I let you touch me.

May, Interstate 215, 2011.

You placed your head on my lap and I let out a sigh of relief. Our secrets finally felt safe.

Valentines Day, Los Angeles, 2012.

My expectations drowned with my tears. I wanted more than you could offer.

September, New York, 2015.

Our friends gave us space to talk and grow.

April, Los Angeles, 2016.
I put my desires on a post-it note and you gave consent.

Oct, Los Angeles, 2018.
We don’t speak anymore bc we said words for over a decade that never had meaning.





Defence Mechanisms 

October 3, 2018
       


My emotions just moved back inside my body after traveling abroad for a few years.”


Mastered the art of numbness after a couple heartbreaks and setbacks. Defense mechanisms. I got real good at being chill - extra calculated. Business etiquette. A hard balance when you work for yourself. Serotonin spikes and crashes every second, damaging receptors and weakening triggers. Bad news got a shrug. Good news, a pang.  It’s dangerous to be nonchalant about everything.

Maybe it’s a perennial shift, a new stage of hormonal growth or just the moon pulling me out of my mind and back into this God body. Whatever it is, its pushing me into the ether and for the first time in a long time, I’m not resisting.


Defense mechanisms

My defense stays on the fence cause you keep playing games. I keep taking names.

I keep hiding.

I keep trying to own the emotions.

Hold the commotions

Hold your emotions

Try on something more fitting Like hope

Disrobe

Try something on that doesn’t make you cold





Tamarindo 

July 2, 2018
       


What is peace?

________________________________

It’s going on vacation by yourself long enough to face all your fears. It’s leaving your phone in the hostel while you surf under the sherbet sky. It’s jumping from the waterfall even though you just ripped off your toenail on the way up. It’s speeding  down an unpaved road on your quad with nothing on but a bikini and screaming at the top of your lungs from pure joy. It’s reaching out to people who were once in your world to remind them that they still matter. It’s forgiving your father on the first day of vacation and giving him directions to join you in the future. It’s eating casado everyday cause that’s all you really want for a lifetime. It’s praying until the tears come. It’s a power that no one can take from you. It’s a reminder that paradise can be in your mind if you allow yourself the space to let go. It’s telling people you love them, even when you know it makes them uncomfortable. It’s silencing noise and getting the news when it comes. It’s valuing information that will benefit your life and others, not hype to keep you gossiping like a fool. It’s telling your goals to strangers and hearing encouragement from people beyond the algorithm. It’s a 12 hour nap after a long run in the heat. It’s the score of the beach. It’s everything I came here to feel and see.

Peace and blessings from Tamarindo, Costa Rica.


Science

March 8, 2018
       


Confessing your wrongs doesn’t make everything right but it does create a support group of people with similar struggles of stories of success. After I left the office in November I felt a boost of confidence that was brand new. I’m a bold and smiley person and rarely feel shy of bravery but something about the visit gave me a new high that was delicious.


The story will build around the idea of perfection, the good and bad. There are psychological stimulants that are triggered by facial expression and symmetry. Sometimes it’s not just vanity, it is science.

Perfection is a dance that few learn how to master. It takes a lot of nature with a little fake to pull off the picture perfect image of what American beauty looks like.




Move 

January 20, 2018 
       

You have the right to feel. You have the right to know what's real. You have the right to do better bc you know better - so don't play ignorant today. Even if it feels better to play dumb. The world doesn't need your half-ass approach to things. Either stand behind something or get out the way.


Are you taking care of me?

If not, I have to take care of myself

If you get in the way of me caring for myself

Living my best self

and attempt to deny me the reward that hard work promises

If you think it’s easy

If you are winning off my sacrifices

If you tried to come for me that time at Javitts when I was wiring electrics for a booth and by the time you “called the men in” my job was already done,

This message is for you.

Treat me like a human.

Never like an object.

Love you.




Are you an activist?

Feb 9, 2018
       


I came out the womb black and a woman, so let's just say activism chose me. Actively trying to show my people another way. My childhood was spent at the Women's Prison in Northern California- promising mothers that it will be ok if they just held on. Growing up to watch friends fall victim to the same system. A system that wasn't built for them.





pong 

Feb 6, 2018
       


It’s not as if I don’t like attention.

Like any human, I’m a fan of being admired. However, I don’t like to be paraded around as some physical reward but neglected emotionally.

That shit doesn’t work.

At first I took a full account of who I was as a person and what energy I was giving off.
Like, maybe I have a mean face.

Maybe i give off a black girl attitude that comes off too aggressive.

Maybe I’m just black and that is enough to raise a flag in this world.

All I know is that I’m giving off something that says leave me alone.

The alarm seems to only sound on the people who I have an interest in bc it doesn’t work on trolls and lames.

What happened to the days of courting?

Am I so stuck in my expectations that I’m neglecting the free-spirited world outside my window?

Am I sharing enough of myself ?

Do I need to risk it all?





Tulum 

Jan 1, 2018 
       


Superstar randomly invited me to Tulum for a necessary get away. I had just taken a trip up to Northern California for the holidays and ending up not seeing my mother at all and putting my father on time-out for neglect. Needless to say, I needed the trip. We booked 10 days at an Airbnb and it was one of the most challenging experience that I have ever endured.

Tulum was the perfect hipster getaway. San serif logos, sound baths, the smell of chulpa burning everywhere and of course, everyone and their momma from Williamsburg. Ran into Sam Sneed. Dan Solomito. Ekene.

The trip ended horribly. Maybe I’ll share. 




Sunday Cowash 

December 1, 2017
       

If my imagination be my greatest asset then I’ll keep it polished like new. I’ll condition it like black hair on a Sunday cowash. I’ll use it as a weapon and peace offering. I’ll defend it because it’s mine. I’ll keep trying and failing in front of folks. That way I don’t have to waste time proving my truth. I’ll make things that people hate and I’ll treat them like they’re great. All prototypes have wonder. At least I make the attempt. We used to play so freely without compensation before this all got cool. We used to collaborate before the X factor. We made things that didn’t really matter but they got us our hours. It takes 10,000 to be a master.
The only thing I own is my time, that I have mastered. ~




Healing

October 8, 2017
       


The Hebrew word Rapha and Greek word Iaomai can be found in the Bible relating and describing the word healing.

Holistic pertains to the idea of holism.

Holism is the view that an organic or integrated whole has a reality independent of and greater than the sum of its parts.

Syndicated columnist “ it is impossible to have a moral community or nation without faith in God because everything rapidly comes down to “me” and ‘me” alone is meaningless.

Moses chose to be ill-treated with the people of God, rather than to have temporary enjoyment of sin.


Who will rescue me from the body, undergoing this death?

He that is walking with wise person will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly. (Proverbs 13:20)


Let us pursue the things making for peace and the things that are upbuilding to one another.

If one hand is injured, the other takes care of it and tries to allay the suffering cause by the wound.




Murder that noise

October 2, 2017
       


Journaling has always been a necessary process to help analyze human behavior, both mine and others. I keep words written down to help me remember my mental state. Inside of every black book of thoughts is one simple phrase. “Kill the noise.” Obviously a note to the person living inside of my head. It’s a faint voice that lives inside of a shell. The punk bitch inside my head is too scared to even show her face and at times I connect with her. There are times when I choose to hide or change my look to process life my way.  Often wondering about the consequences of receiving too much attention.


See chapter on narcissism




Women Who Run 

September 21, 2017 
       

I was born wild. Bless my mother's heart for the attempt but no human hand can train me. As a young curious tomboy, my spirit controlled the flesh. Somewhere past peak adolescence the tables turned. I wanted the control and let the junior brain reign supreme on possibilities. What I thought I knew was very little to nothing at all.

Along the endless path of enlightenment, you're more conscious of clues, characters and heavenly spirits along the way. One of many in my life is Robin Arzon who co-founded Undo-Ordinary with me back in 2013 and suggested I live for this book.

I did.

It is the location pin to my uncharted ways. Stories of women who walked to the beat of their ticking hearts. Not provoked by trend or fear. No, these women were wired to roam free.

As a runner, entrepreneur and student of food, I continue to strengthen my spirit as much as my flesh. Performing from the inside out. Training from the inside out. Understanding that this body is a shell for a spirit that wants to run forever.

"I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype




Naive

August 17, 2017
       


I remember the day I walked off stage and vowed to never come back until the roles changed. I had just played a crackhead. Definitely not the first time but it was the last time I allowed myself to be typecast into a role. I played maids, servants, druggies, slaves and men but never a lead protagonist - and it wasn't bc of my skill. It was bc of my color. This was almost 15 years ago and the pain still stings. I was raised to not fall into the stereotypes. "Don't be too black" that might make them uncomfortable. "Don't act too ghetto" or they may not invite you out. I carried those rules like a clutch. Tucked under my arm and full of so many questions until the clasp broke. All of my truth came out. The bourgeoisie side and the Stockton side got into a scuffle. I was fighting internally for years bc I didn't want to just be the American that I thought I could be without people throwing my skin color into things. Internal conflicts that have made me shut up and watch as this madness escalates year after year. Black enough to solicit but too black to live a full life. That's the America I see. That's the part of me that screams from the inside out. Cautious bc I don't want them to label me loud. Monotone voices rarely get heard.

I pride myself in knowledge  and spend my downtime learning. A student of life and a teacher of truth. I've found solace in the unknown, accepting that all things that are happening have happened before. I'm ignorant. I'm foolish. I'm naive.


Call Your Momma

June 21, 2017
       

Celebrate people.

Create opportunities.

Get over yourself.

Love and nurture the way you need to.

Be the weird one.

Don't wear pink if that's not your color.

Maybe you don't want to tone down your reds. That's cool.

Be great.

Be strong.

Be thoughtful.

Be a pillar of faith and prayer.

Be the one person everyone calls for light and wisdom.

Be bold.

Be determined.

Use whatever tools available and master them.

Wear your body like your best outfit.

Wear your brain like your best asset.

Dress like you want.

Clean up once in a while to let them know you still got it.

Speak your mind.

Stand for something.

Prove everyone wrong.

Pick up trades. No one can steal your practiced thunder.

Be kind.

Be patient.

Don't try to change people just be the change you want to see in others.

Lead by example.

Celebrate life.

Celebrate each other.

Celebrate all colors.

Celebrate all women.

Call your momma.





Rat tails 

June 5, 2017
       



Never thought it would be so difficult to get peers, let alone humans, to eat real food with me or even go for a short run. Wild to discover the level of chastising that takes place when you care about others. I was taught to be selfless and should never feel wrong for being raised right. Ive strategically worked my ass off to not just be a face or body but to have a massive brain, personality and heart to match. No matter how egotistical and narcissistic everyone around me is, I've always stayed true. Moving to LA has made me comb through my tribe with the tiniest of rat tails. I honestly spend a lot of time by myself. Secrets to the productivity. I've stopped answering calls and messages from people who just want something, especially if they haven't asked about my heart in the process. Im no longer taking on text conversations past 140 characters. You got all that to say??...call my landline. Think email is better?? ... if your document is missing bullets points that outline your desires then you aren't considering my time. Not everyone is going to have your best interests at heart, esp when they are at the peak of using you. Not everyone dreams as big as you do. Not everyone wants a bigger life. You know how hard it is to get people to use productivity apps like Slack ?? Grown adults telling me that they don't want to LEARN an application that will make their lives easier. I shouldn't have to force common sense. Most people are fine being sheep but I've always been a wolf.

Cutting cords of communication one by one. Still accepting letters in the mail. Dms and all that gotta go too.



askvash 

May 2, 2017
       


... about food at a social event and you get this kind of answer ... " you know that yellow film that is visible from every corner of LA - that's called death and you live under its cloud. So attempt to take care of yourself with life since everything good on this Earth is being polluted by man. Your only responsibility is to survive here. Try harder.”




Stop letting folks take advantage of you 

February 25, 2017
       


Pardon my vent as I wipe the midday-nap crust from my dry eyes. I'm a better thinker than speaker and most times I just let things replay in my head for awhile then try to generate personal life lessons. I often don't speak up bc most people are chemically off-balance and you can't argue with a sick person when they don't realize they are sick. You also can't assume that everyone is going to like you just because you consider yourself a nice person and try not to ruffle feathers. That nice girl tag is a trap for blood suckers. If you feel like a lake that is being sucked dry of your resources, speak up. Don't let people take advantage of you. Teach people how to handle you.

So in my attempt to practice what I preach, I'm going to leave this here for anyone who gives a fuck. 

I have a very skewed opinion based off living my life to the fullest- I like adventure- Im spontaneous and wild- I don't live in the grey - I don't care for hype - I don't like when you hit me up for the hookup on consumer goods - I don't care about your ideas if you don't care to have an execution plan - I'm not your savior but I can introduce you to mine - I'm not mean when I tell you how to handle me - I'm not aggressive bc I have vision - I don't have time to play mind games - I will speak my mind if you are worth my words - I don't do well with liars - I'd rather walk alone than carry dead weight - I'm a couple milestones away from living on a farm and tossing out the cell phone - I'm human.

Think I grew 3 inches today.



A message on boobs 

January 21, 2017
       

Don't let Teyana fool you. Working out with large luscious boobs is a challenge. First off, brands can't seem to find the proper way to keep my girls separated. They have different personalities and don't like being forced into a tight place for a long time. Then there's chaffing, which always shows it's sensitive self after 6 miles in my world. I've been lathering the "booty balm" on but the mental angst of wondering if I'm raw after a race sometimes throws me off my game. Then there's the nipple thing - which I never care about but am very aware that my beams are bright and someone will have something to say. And then there's the weight. I'm mostly muscle up top - skrong. So the recommendation to lose weight to lose tits isn't as easy as it sounds. I'm so down for trimming body fat but I'm also very conscious of the fat that's necessary to carry a child which I've yet to have so I'm not stressing my boobs to be something they don't want to be. I love Khadijah (left) and Maxine (right) enough to keep it natural under my arms and not wear wired bras to reshape my form. I check my cleavage after every burpee and often give peep shows without noticing. My point in this message is to bring awareness. The booty is trending but titties need love too.




In every attempt to feel my feelings

April 21, 2016
       

I like him.

I always have but had to wait. I'm still waiting and it's slight torture.

Not sure if he can feel my nervousness.

Fumbling my words is a dead give away.

Can't describe the excitement I felt from running into him tonight.

Little school girl.

I got sweaty and timid. Sometimes I let out a little crazy to see if that's what moves him.

I want to get it before it's tarnished.

While it's learning what it wants but open to trying new things.

I know he is interested. But nervous as well

Cautious to say the least.

But he knows I'm different.

He knows my rarity. He pays attention and listens.

Engages.

And is so attractive. I can't help it.

If I have to help it, he isn't the one.

Bc that's how perfect these situations can be.



New Fortune 

March 11, 2016
       

i can study you like religion

you make me better

new fortune

rights manifest in your touch

i love you

i asked you to be honest

to never hesitate or question our interactions

travel and enjoy the ride

while we both have time

passion looks real on you

the flavor of your body is rewarding

i make the effort to treat myself to you on a regular

every girl has to live a little

we both need each other

but have time to level the proportions

don't change your flavor

I can't suffice my hunger without you


the burn out 

Febraury 21, 2016
       

I said I’d stop smoking and drinking.

For me. For my body.

These things don’t make me better.

And dammit.

I want to be great.

I caved in

and puffed sunshine

while flower bombs burst high in the sky.

I felt like one of them,

cracking fire in a dark place.

Exploded with light but quickly going away.




it takes no talent to quit 

January 23, 2016
       

As athletes, artist, and purveyors of life we are dust in the cipher floating wild and free. Like these particles, we create matter when fused together.

In every attempt to be human, authentic and advantageous we've signed on to keep this going. This, being the tendons of matter that connect curious limbs to one sound body.

Because after the computer crashes and the printer rushes your masterpiece and the product gets held in customs then delivered to the wrong address, you still have to give the people what they need.

You have to give what matters.



On your couch  

January 22, 2016 
       

I call you my therapy

Lay me on my back

On my black

Talk me blue

I call you my therapy

Lay me on my back

On my black

Talk me blue




I Feel Like Hancock 

January 21, 2016 
       

I don't get hurt, ever. I remember jumping off my cousin's rooftop into their swimming pool below and the adrenaline that hit as soon as I took the leap. Just a month ago I went trespassing in Mohave and got caught on barbed-wired. It was the first time that my swift and agile body fell victim to the obstacles in front of me. I let the cotton of my sweatpants soak up the blood and let the wound close on it's on. No time to baby the small stuff. Like a domino effect, injuries continued one after another. Most days I consider myself to be something like a superhero.

As of lately, I feel like someone has slipped me a little Kryptonite because I'm getting injured, daily. The little things from a nail breaking to a paper cut seem to happen day after day.

Watching the wound heal is fascinating. Hurting the knee is excruciating. It's not like I could just fall and sit down, for some reason I had to prove to myself that I could still keep moving although my body was in pain. Twenty-mile bike rides and marathon training runs kept my small wound from healing. Breaking the skin with every stride. I can't even do yoga without reopening my wound, reminding myself of how fragile and delicate this ruffian can really be. The constant splitting and tearing of my flesh became a deeper observation to the complex and beautiful structure that is this human body.

I got up and kept running. Embarrassed by the fact that nothing was immediately in my way yet I felt like a white girl in a horror movie. It took a good hour for me to accept the idea of pain as well. My hands helped to brace my fall yet weren't ripped apart so I figured my knees couldn't be that bad. I kept running. All of a sudden I stopped to check in with my assumed pain. The fabric of my leggings began to melt around my knee. There must be blood.

I've watched my body heal after being broken. The hard scab that resembles nothing on my flesh yet has made its home upon my injured kneed to protect me from myself. It's amazing how the body is capable of adapting to circumstances at any moment. My personal favorite is the wrinkling of the fingertips to adapt to wet surfaces. We mold and bend naturally because the body is a genius. A functioning organism that thrives without our efforts or understanding. The heat that immediately rushes to an open wound, triggered by the brain, all in survival.

I kept running as if nothing happened.
Falling as an adult is no joke.



FYI 

December 21, 2015
       

 Don't want to turn my personality into a brand for the likes of small minded people. I don't want to do it just to go with the flow. I've been performing since I had baby teeth. Hits don't change personality. I don't want to follow your photo timeline - I want to know your heart. I'm not big on hype and trends. I've been way ahead of most of them. I sleep in the fifth position and can't control it. I'm hyperactive and hypersensitive which allows me more time for fun.



Like a tattoo 

December 10, 2015


Thalia and Melpomene. The comedy and tragedy of life. All the world is a stage if you choose to think it that way and my foundation was structured in my ability to transform into any character that I desired. A thespian from the womb I spent much of my youth entertaining others. At nineteen I got my first tattoo of a bass clef on my left shoulder. Not a musician and limited in my sheet reading skills I tilted the clef slightly counterclockwise to resemble the sorrow of Melpomene. One of those things I never fully thought through, I went on to explain so many reasons as to why I branded my body with such ink. My rapid response, “I’m deep.”

It would take 7 years and a moment on dismay for me to actually understand the true depth of my persona. Somewhere between depression and anxiety I decided to start running to exude excess energy. Four month later I was on the beach in Hawaii running my first marathon. Around mile 21 my knee gave out. As the hot island sun pierced my skin I hobbled across the finish line and cried in my palms, holding onto every last second of cell phone battery. When we arrived back at our luxurious chateau to rest and rejuvenate, I found nothing more enticing than eating a heavy meal in the comfort of our tranquil hot tub. I loaded a tall plate of kitchen sink nachos and proceeded to the warm waters. Serenity enveloped my body as my sore muscles drowned in a pond of peace. That moment ended when my breast hit the water. A stinging surge of pain struck my body. I reached to find the source and felt broken skin on my fingers. I jumped out to survey the moment and found large exposed sores covering my under boob. This was a first. All that friction had caused major chaffing to my body.

Like any wound I knew that this would heal and it did. Leaving a gnarly scar and great story to share. The running bug swept me up as I continued to train, race, and scar. I tried every product, even bandaids, which left even bigger gash under my breast. From anti-chaffing sprays to Glide to vaseline I still have yet to find the right solution to a problem that just won’t go away. I’m pushing a D cup bra size which is large for my thin frame. I have to purchase a small sports bra to fit my body yet it is too small for my breast. If I were to use a medium bra, I would not have enough support around my rib cage. I have tried every brand of bra, even the new pro series from Nike and have yet to find something the works for me.

At one point I considered getting tattoos to cover the damage, as if new scars would not appear. One morning I surveyed my body to examine all the many scars awarded over time. I remembered the story of how I got them and why they are a part of me. Just like running is a part of my story, chaffing is as well. Hidden to public view, I wear these marks proudly when given the opportunity. More low plunging dresses, more underboob shirts. Along with the ink that brands my existence. These scars are my tattoos.

Sade put it best

Hungry for life
And thirsty for the distant river
Like the scar of age
Written all over my face
The war is still raging inside of me
I still feel the chill
As i reveal my shame to you
I wear it like a tattoo
I wear it like a tattoo
I wear it like a tattoo



ATM 

August 7, 2015
       

We calmed down on the noise. No one needs it. We started putting people to work instead. That’s what Americans want right? Opportunity? We harnessed a grassroots approach in all of our endeavors. Not in efforts to take the hard road,  but to know the needs of the people we work with. To champion our community. To see the best in people, knowing that most don’t know what the hell they are doing in life but sometimes it takes others to run a highlighter over the good stuff. To pull out the quality. To help define the worth.

Yellow on my fellows working on vocational skills.

I see you.




Stockton, CA 

July 15, 2015
       



I remember my theatre teacher asking my plans after high school and I confidently told her, "develop real skills in my 20s so that nobody can deny my talents later." And so I did. I kept my hands busy and my head full of new and useful information. Of course I partied in college, but also doubled up on tech hours and worked 3 jobs a semester. People asked for occupational titles at 22 and I never knew what to say.  I was still in training. Beyond my silliness, creativity and wild wardrobe lives a very driven woman who rarely takes a day off. Not for tales of lethargy but for my 10,000 hours of hard-earned glory. The highs and lows to understand personal worth and value in a society that will automatically pigeonhole you based on skin color.  Most people don't know what I do for a living - still, and that's fine, as long as they feel my passion and stay out of my way.




Me Time 

June 20, 2015 
       

I didn't know I was in love with running until it became my medicine for monotony.

My praise break.

My worship hour.

My daily hurdle.

My catapult.

My me time.

Don't let circumstance change your confession.



x

January 22, 2015 
       

Accordingly to my genealogy, I’m everything.  Ghanaian, Ivory Coast, Scandinavian, Chinese, Indian - grew up around Korean and Filipino influence, never picked sides during race wars in school.

I’m not here for that. I’m here to love, inspire, influence, challenge and be better than. Greater than >X.

To help build legacy.

To help make history.

Build, don’t break.



Tumbling 

January 21, 2015 
       

I’ve seen girls bust their lip trying to get a handstand on the gram.

It’s not that serious tho.

Wanna know what Vegas taught me?

That I don’t have to show my ass to get attention.

Making money is easy, it’s morals that get lost in the madness.

Full circles. Spheres out here.

Rolling through the thick.

Balanced by our axis.

Here’s a tip.

Too much of anything will make you flip.



Self 

January 21, 2015 
       

Things I could be doing other than looking at the sky waiting for a sign

Or searching the Internet waiting for the same

Things change

Nothing stays the same

So  we grow

Wait

Are we even growing?

Doing the same shit we did yesterday

Without even knowing

As I’m standing in the same footsteps

of the same doorway that keeps me away from the world.

Sometimes I’m too sheltered for my own good.

Other times just downright dangerous.

Don’t let me get me.




White Flag

January 20, 2015
       

Sounds of heavy breathing

I sat patiently

Waiting to purge my insides

I touched myself this morning

Drenched my sheets

All to the thought of you

As I lay and die

I see your eyes

And dream of similarities

existing in

Elysium.

If I could play a thousand games with you a day I would

but only the ones that make you feel good.

You like to play for

disaster.

I surrender

You win.






Vessel 

December 5, 2014
       


Where do I begin?

I don't remember the first dream or the first step. But I know for fact both happened. Check.

Chills.

This one brings me chills for some reason. Deeper than a passion project. It's fire in my veins. It's every night and day. I have no control. The spirt wants this. Logical, controlling, overthinking Vash would have ditched a long time ago.

Can't stop if I want to.

Everything I prayed for and went in silence to achieve. To understand wants from needs. To understand how to feed. To become a channel for worthy information.

Still in it for Stockton, California.

Still all about community.

Chills.

This is bigger than me.

I'm merely a vessel.

It's Friday night. I'm home listening to Def 's new UNDO mixtape, standing on my bed, side eyeing Tate's cookies and feeling my OCD creep in.

I'm happy.

Beyond thankful to everyone who supports and believes in this.

You are appreciated.






Fear 

September 7, 2014
       


I've never been afraid of anything.

Well...

I used to get freaked out by the last twist of my Secret deodorant. It always reminded me of decay. Not cool.

Other than that I keep my thoughts preserved and my mind focused (for the most part).

Never been afraid of anything ...

but myself.

Became a self saboteur during adolescence, talking myself out of opportunities to hide my talent. I never wanted to be too good. People don't like it when you're great. That's no helium in my tank, it's the truth that is complimented with words like brilliant, clever, and kind. I'll own all four words until the end of time.

But fear,

it doesn't live here.

And I'll continue to do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING with this gift called life.

Not afraid to try.

Not afraid to fly.



Dirty 

August 8, 2014
       


He

enjoyed my writing

How my words were nonsense that made sense

He helped me

to love what I did, naturally.


His words

come as whispers

the only way to hear him is when he is inside of me 



The mistress of seduction sat eagerly behind my teeth, i screamed for you. Inside wanted out, patterned night talks unwrapped my hesitation, it grabbed my wrists, flipped my legs behind me. Like a swine in heat, I heaved for opportunity. Mouth opened. 

I omitted my sense of sight for the privilege of osculation. Men fast as dirty as their fuel. Any other day would have moved faster but this time, I wanted to savor the moment.



Sakiya 

August 7, 2014
       

Winners do what losers don't.

What don't I need to start, stop or continue doing to get what I want?

At the counter of success payment is in full and in advance.

Everything I got is from everything I gave.

Know your worth and don’t compromise.

My office is my mind.


Nantucket 

July 7, 2014 
       

Pardon the visual conversation. I’ve said less than 100 words in the past 5 days. Using mostly body language. Finally picked up my pen and paper after a year of neglect, fear, and puerility. Cell phone notes do not apply. Working things out one day at a time. Sometimes you gotta drown to ascend.


Private planes and thunderstorms. You should have heard my giggles amongst the squeals. Pinot Grigio. Holidays with pilots. New year with strangers. I learned a lot about flying by taking off my seat belt. I learned about faith by letting go of control. Sometimes we have to fall to soar.




NY 

March 20, 2014 
       

Don’t starve waiting to get fed.

Stay

hungry.

Stay

eating.

Big girl.

Big apple.

Baby bites. Repeat.



Roots 

January 22, 2014
       

New hair? I didn’t even recognize you"

“How do you do that to your hair?”

“Not everyone gets to look like someone different everyday.”

As if Britney Spears’ matted hair plug crisis never happened to pop culture. They’re called extensions made from synthetic material that is bought at a beauty supply that I braid into my hair. It is not a statement, it is not a trend. It is convenience when traveling and a rest from daily maintenance. It is a part of black culture. You can’t know everything about black music yet be ignorant to black culture.

No no.

Sorry.

You, the person asking, align with pathetic patterns in human behavior. Seeing as though I can get new eyelashes semi-permanently glued on by a woman I don’t even know to the lid of the organ that helps me identify people.

This is no different but definitely safer.

It’s hair.

It is not mine.

It never belonged to some Indonesian person.

It’s disposable.

Like whack dudes and bobby pins.

Sometimes you have a head full.

Sometimes you can’t find one.

It’s gone.

I took them out.

I’m going to look “different” next time you see me.

It’s ok.

Don’t fret.

Try looking at my face or focus on my overbite for identification purposes.

I will, however, continue to post images of my epic adventure with avatar extensions.

Peace and love.



Milk 

January 21, 2014
       

I’m not the fastest. That’s for sure. I’m also not as competitive as my aggressive personality may assume. Running was for self the first year. Personal bests, personal challenges, personal gain - you know - ways to be a better human. In my efforts to be better, I’ve slowly stopped thinking about myself and started focusing all of my attention on helping others. Running is no longer about me.



XO 

January 20, 2014 
      

Chicanery ran rampant 

As if autumn lust

Was not enough

I’ve been dedicated

Sometimes I quench on men

Dissemble the term friend

Dupe myself in the end

They find my efficacy attractive



law 

June 21, 2013
       

Break out but not down

Get up and stand tall

Talk only when necessary

Give nothing but your all

Break walls and kick doors

There is so much to explore

Make windows and magic

Protect both with a habit

Break laws and break boundaries

Cause a ruckus while you can

Your existence is against the law

Live amongst them but against the law



The Fly 

June 20, 2013
       

On the waterfront, with bugs and flies. I’ve had too much to eat. Chest heavy, ass lifted. Feeling an itch in my throat. Hawking phlegm like a Vietnamese in squatting position. I guess I’m purging my impurities. Upon arrival to NY, I eased into freedom once felt. Life unlocked the shackles of a closed mind and body, I wiggled my toes in excitement. The air, putrid, yet refreshing whispered softly. Streetcars zipping past and life back in my hands. I’ve paid my fare.

What type of woman do you think I am? Especially since you know me best. I rarely give anyone this much attention. Did I mention, I’m in love with your potential.

The fly that flew inside my mouth

And lived inside my body

The bug`

And itch to love somebody

The man within my hands is a bud growing, I water your seeds, fulfilling your needs. Mother love, so much inside of me. And all the while I’m learning space and boundaries. Territories no real woman should ever cross. You let me push buttons and turn you on.

And well

I’m much obliged. mm

Tonight my desire for you faded like the sunset. Leaving your bedside I rose on the west side highway on a late night. Trying to cage inhibition. She’s a wild one with no mind. The thoughtful woman inside wants to control her. Hold reigns to a leash which is my future, pulling me. Walking alongside my master.

My heads ringing. Been experiencing internal bleeding since we kissed goodbye. As I google all the things that could be wrong with me I’m not so focused on anatomy. What’s so wrong with me that the thought of love is obsolete. What’s inside of me that’s drawing us like pen and ink? This is poetry. Wandering while wondering, sometimes you call to check on me. Sometimes you share the best of me. And other times I think I can do better.

Obviously, I’m a bit confused.

And

That’s the state of our existence.




All I Do Is Listen To Love Songs 

January 25, 2013
       

Why remember everything I tell you?

What is it that you gain from me?

How are you any different from everyone else?

Or are you just everyone else?

I don’t want to analyze. I don’t.

I can conjure up an extravagant story to electrify sensation.

I feel you feel the connection.

I’d like to separate the brain from the body in our case

They each want individual attention.

Witty, silly, wild and ruthless

You recognize my sicko.

And encourage the attire.

The body finds a way to connect.

Primal instinct.

Magnet pull.

Somethings gotta give.

I’m vague. Yes.

Positive in approach yet general with application.

I don’t want everyone to know everything.

Yet I’ve always told you more than you need to know.

What you need know is that I’m here to love.

Positioned and purposed.

Every action is with desire. Every idea inspired by the heart.

Adorned on my sleeve. Flagrant on the breast. Thick in my belly.

I love until there is no more me.

Is my love powerful? Absolutely.

When I track the record I count the wins.

Everyone wins but me.

When I count the wins I claim the victory.

But the only person lying to themselves in that equation is still me.

I champion others.

No one sits in my ring

Pouring out can only continue if you are poured into.

That uncertainty of supply is the pain you catch in my eyes.

My well is drying.

I’m scared I have nothing to give but stories of what once made sense

Hoping they replenish me

Fuck that’s some honesty.

And honestly, I don’t know why I tell you so much

Maybe I just want someone to no me and not just know me.

Not to own or control or feel the need to change what’s pure

just to know what I’m positioned to do.

Understanding that my purpose is also my torture.

Esthero triggered a memory.

Let’s just say we are Eskimo sisters.

Knighted the first weekend I moved to LA. I told my lover to be open.

Although I wanted it all closed.

I want to throw up when I think about my dating life here.

Everywhere.

Like what the fuck.

Too open that I can’t get close.



Battle of the sexes

January 24, 2013 
       

Purebred ruffian.

I once told my mother that life would be better for me as a boy. I hated hair, loved to be outside getting dirty, tried Sid moves on all my dolls and loved working with my hands.

She told me to never question the way I was made.

I then asked her to talk to God and ask him to take my menstrual cramps and leave me the body.

She ignored me.

And I sat there in thought, a black woman, wondering why I’m at the top of the totem pole with the shortest end of the stick.  I sat there. Studied up on the human body and female cycle.

How we women get a chance to rid ourselves of toxins and waste monthly to prepare our bodies for new life.

Men just have poison running through them all the time and can never really get it out.

Poor things.



Darkness 

January 23, 2013 
       
Then love got shot by lust

And pride sprayed everywhere

Only to be touched

Only to be touched

Love the victim, laid dying

Lust the culprit, kept trying

Only to be touched

Darkness

Things just weren’t looking up

Love killed pride

And told lust that its not enough

Love filled the body

Lust felt the skin up

Only to be loved

Only to be touched




Hungry 

January 22, 2013


You set the table

And I just come to eat

You give me the same ole

You give me nothing

You give it nothing

So why is it that I’m needing you

I like my tacos

You had to serve them vegan

Next, your hands were on my body and we were heaving

So yes maybe, I just come for the food

Maybe I’m just here for your fool

I gotta eat too
       


My Father’s Business 

January 21, 2013 
       

I’ve been told to calm down my entire life.

“You work too hard.” “You have too much energy.”

“You’re wild and outrageous.”

As if I’m not black in America. As if I’m not a woman in America. As if oppression wasn’t the first thing I learned after my ABC’s. I made the po decision of keeping quiet over the last years. Speaking up when the time was right but never publicly exhibiting my rage. My approach was to become the change that I wanted to see. To unite colors to smooth out the lines of friction that rub us all the wrong way. I’m a woman of many tribes. I don’t fall into stereotypes and I’ve worked my ass off to be seen as more than just a face or body. My brain is my hottest asset. My skills make me powerful. A critical thinker, a spiritual being, and valuable human. But no matter how large my stock builds the value of my black skin continues to depreciate. Top of the totem pole with the shortest end of the stick.

I won’t calm down.

I can’t stop now.



L Train 

January 20, 2013 
       

One dollar one dollar.

Each candy is one dollar

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen

My name is Byron and I am selling candy and fruit snacks today

Please help me by buying my candy and fruit snacks.

I am selling candy and fruit snacks to stay off the streets and out of trouble.

The good honest way

One dollar one dollar

Each candy is one doll



when intuition bleeds

July 9, 2012 


instinct said it

and I listened closely

I picked my heart and it chose me

divine alignment

somewhere in the past

wanting romance made me weak

needing affection made me horny

seeking love made me a dummy

and its cool

I learned

When the hearts wide open on a body that doesn’t belong to you

when the knives in deep and no ones around to help you

when each night is restless and all you want is for someone to hold you

when you’ve exhausted all words to save your sanity

and you realize this nigga really doesn’t want you

you bleed

and then …

you heal.
 


Gentleman caller  

June 14, 2012
       

today

while polishing silver

i was greeted by a gentleman caller

he distracted me from my duties

only for a second

and fed me a slice of a cake

one i baked just days past

i sampled it

still impervious

my left side languid

effort strained

tasting the familiarity

i love and lust the same

place your hands around my waist

pull me into your pinnacle

i’ve spent twenty one dollars on this dress

and chicle

trying to be subliminal



Stab

June 13, 2012
       

gave my money to the church instead of the bar

at least they are in the business of helping people

carrying a chisel

poking fun at me

i poke

and stab

and puncture

just to see if i bleed


“Aimless like the hare”

May 20, 2012
       

I’ve moved onto touching myself

multiples times in one day.

Why didn’t you let me in this go-round?

I take you as an honest man,

so who is the fable for if it not the world?

The world you flipped the bird to years ago.

I’m riding on the J train.

Manhattan-bound,

Marching to the melting pot.

It’s Becca’s birthday and

I asked your company.

You laughed as if I play a fool.

Generously presenting myself to you.

It stormed for one hour,

People running in the streets in fear.

I danced.

There’s a reason the rain is here.

I’m late like the wild rabbit,

aimless like the hare.



lately … 

April 26, 2012 
       
wanderlustin’

the epitome of a loner

pocket knife, flashlight, and measuring tape 

two books

a tablet, ipad, and random equipment

I left my harmonica at home this time

hope she forgives me 

growing out my mane

cutting off my tail

self destruction is one hell of a drug

I’d rather take life

creatively directing several projects

all these trades

paying off

name another chick that can do what I do?

saying no

opening wide

tactful in transgression

tastefully tacky

always happy

nappy

wild and free



Action 

January 21, 2012
       
“If you can keep your head when all about you, are losing theirs and blaming it on you.” Kipling speaks through Dr Bronner’s each morning.

Every day becomes clearer.

I tell my friends to turn me into a tree when this is over.  And if my heart makes an impact, maybe they’ll name a park bench after me so that anyone can sit in nature and take a moment to think. 

“Be the change that people want to see.”

First thing people complain about is work. That they want to fulfill a passion that drifts away each day from their dreams.

But where do we spend our time?

Our moments for mastery?

If we be friends on every social platform then why not weld as friends to create new opportunities.

To speak louder. To dream bigger.

At 16, I was the Third Key at Footaction.

They broke policy to let me lead.

I got all my friends jobs.

All we wanted were Jordan’s. That’s as big as our dreams were back then.

I just wanted to make it happen. …



Bedford Ave

January 20, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen

Excuse I am down on my luck

Help me with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

Help me out with a small donation

Down on my luck

“This is, Bedford Avenue”



Soul stripper

January 12, 2012
       
I was approached by a woman wrapped in a bed sheet on Hollywood. She wanted to have a stare down. I’m always one for the challenge. I lost. Defeated in the first millisecond. As she snarled showing the few teeth she had. Soul stripper. There I was, weakened by dinner saucer pupils of death. I trembled.


Vasha talks to kids 

December 20, 2011

What’s a hussy?

You know a floozie?

What’s a floozie?

Ya know, a yamp.


What’s a yamp?

A young tramp, playa.

 ohhh


Five dolla

December 11, 2011        

Out of gas in echo park

Pulled up to a fruit cart

Made my order of jicama, cucumbers, mangos and pineapples

Only to notice a homeless woman to my left

I split my food with her

$5 goes a long way on the streets of LA

I took the bag with the most delicious seasoning

To not cheat myself

And took a picture of my new friend 

Tis the season to forget your issues and help others out.

Cheers!



Food 

December 3, 2011    
       
Target has become the local grocery.
I’m not amused
Coupons
No cutting
I’ll bring in my computer
To scan a code
For 19 cents off Cherrios.
No cutting.

I just want some orange juice.
the grocery store *neck roll*
3 miles away
I’ve been here for twenty minutes

“Your total is $12.50.”


Simpleton 

November 30, 2011    
       

Simple syrup in your coffee
Simple breakfast, all routine
Scrambled eggs and toast
I prefer the simple things.

I stare at my phone
Like I want it to ring
Like I wanted a ring
I still cherish the simple things

Scalding showers
Dr. Bronner’s
I remember
You washed me clean

The simple things.
Simpleton.
Make me think of you.



Fear 

November 29, 2011    

is real
until you slay the dragon

dragon’s aren’t real
monsters aren’t real
so why does every great story have them?



The Island 

November 28, 2011
       
“ you make yourself into an island, forcing others to seek you out ”

Paradise would be nice
Still living in the purgatory



Ms. Fortunate 

November 22, 2011


a series of unfortunate events in the last six months. I was reminded today that I still have two feet. reminded of turbulent rides and safe landings. reminded that the darkest nights bring the brightest mornings.  

a series of unfortunate events. pointing finger at the fact I have not been in control of my life. at all. from city to city I go, tech bag on my back and suitcase of black clothes trailing behind. lost my way in Oregon, found solace in Seattle. rekindled in Los Angeles and reminisced in San Diego. let money take me to Kentucky, Philly, Jacksonville and Montreal, never on my own account. closed chapters in Las Vegas and still managed to name a few places Home.

a series, better yet, slew, of unfortunate courters. men so picked over the fruit is rotten and dry. while im gallivanting through cities on that same spirit that keeps me ripe. wonder who has the juice now?

im weak, my body empty. food just doesn’t sit the same. im cold and often cranky, no one knows whats on my brain. poised with strategy, building my empire on this Swahili name. so full of shit sometimes I wipe three times and still see stains.

a series of bad to block out the good. judgment masked by insecurity and doubt. hell, what is this all about if it doesn’t hurt. just a little. if you can not feel. just a little. if real dont kill, just a little. waking from my sedated state to be here. with you.

a series of  "stuff.“ i called the bluff. i changed the channel from self, destruction.

today, as im tallying up the bad news. im thankful for all the good that keeps me grounded. never got lifted by the noose.

today, the 0100 hour of Thanksgiving, praising my Creator for family, friends, and LOVE. Im up to my britches in emotions and shooting arrows at anyone in plain view. thats just what i do.

all of this, the people, the money, the hype, the titles… mean nothing if your heart is sour and your soul empty. So today, at this moment, Im thankful for LIFE and LOVE.  

its all I got to work with.

-yours truly

ms. fortunate.



Sicko

November 22, 2011 
       

both hands over my mouth, no restraints on my brain

i am the sicko, the mildly insane

danger to myself

i am the sicko

the wildly untamed



Chapter 1: Birth 

October 18, 2011 
       

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus. By Numbers she always seemed to put it down. But then like genesis, again. For Everlasting life. Eternal.

Looking for new hiding places.

Searching out familiar faces.

And again and again.

Never ending her sentences. Always throwing away the last breath. Thought to keep it down. Someone would tell her precious secrets. Words so loud not even she could keep them.

“There is more to love than who you sleep with.”

But to find that

she had to go seeking …

#MEMOIRS OF A LOVER



Greetings 

October 14, 2011 
       

This entry comes post yawn and stretch. Pardon me, I’ve been sleeping with my destiny.

For the first time in forever I’m walking through LA. Cause nobody, nobody walks in El Lay. The temperature is about 96 and for some reason I’m decked in all black skimpies. Walking. The smell of In n Out lingers. Don’t do it, ice old. Drops of sweat as I leave my trail. Once I’m done exploring I’ll have to walk home.

All is well in the mind of a lover. Celibate to say the least. I’m here to work and shake my derrière. Working to call it a derrière. Passport and one liter of water
in my left hand.

I knew this chick named Miranda, lived off Miranda, now I’m walking past Miranda. I’ve remembered the lost. Lost angels. Lost girls tangled in Hollywood.

Almost to the Metro.


Glow

Augusr 7, 2011 
       

Lights off
And I’m on
Feel me?

Energy
Sitting under nights moon

Blissfully
Finding words to misuse
I’m consumed with family
The extensions of me
18 inches of yaki
216 hours in
Thousands of miles away
Millions of ways to bleed
Billions, trillions!!

I’m reflecting a light
Working after the sun
Shifting weight
Half the (wo)man I used to be

Light for the blind
Light in the dark
Blemished yet still trying
Just watch me glow

Sphere
Supreme dream
Slurred speech and hood rat things
Inland empire
Open door, open hearts
Backyard fighting chickens
Backboard assistance
Back home reminiscing

Back to what I know
Just watch it glow

Back to boys and chicks with bad attitudes
Wait till they taste what the baker made
fresh in my approach to stale days

Patty cake
Patty cake

Rise real soon
Watch it glow
Lights on
Moon



Peace

August 5, 2011 
       

I’m living. Taking pics of everything along the way. Journey on an incline. Conditioned for what most fear.

Seasons. Change. Love.

If you see me, wrap me in and don’t let go. I’ve been walking alone for so long.
Feels good to be home.



What goes up 

July 24, 2011
       

balls of flame

the association of our names

rumors

then fame

knowing man I am, human being

I know the power of what I have seen

highway to freedom

will you come with me?

Pe  ce

    a

It’s all handwritten and self composed. It comes in many colors. Take it as it’s all I have to offer. Native gifts. I come in peace. Receive me willingly.

Nothing is normal anymore. Waking up in strange territory. Nothing expected from this allegro.

air.




Treat Yourself  

January 7, 2020
       
Passion looks real on you 

The flavor of your body is rewarding

I make the effortt to treat myself to you once a week

Every girl has to live a little

We both need each other

But have time to level the proportions

Don’t change your flavor

I can’t suffice my hunger w/o you




Beat It 

January 23, 2011
       

This Sunday I will have my tambourine. I will shake my tambourine and it will silence some of the noise. I will slap my tambourine and it will feel good to my soul. I will play a song of hope bc that’s all my ancestors had. I will sing loud and strong bc I can. I will dance bc I’m breathing. I will cry bc it’s the only thing that soothes the pain.




Thoughts

January 22, 2011
       
Dont think about limits
I dont think about the things that people have always told me I cant do
Trespassing is fun
Think about all the places that go unseen because of rules 
Its never the destination
Its always the journey
Can I do all these things at once
Can I carry this load?



“The Fool”

January 20, 2011
       

The people call you fool

You have forgotten to follow rules

And in doing began to rule

The world and all around you

The fool

Questioning things that are incomplete

If I must learn to love others

I must first love me

Cool

Cashing in my riches for knowledge

Enlightened

And educate fool

The things you just consider

But hold back to not differ

With the loons and toons

Around you

Such a crazy fool

Righteous Monday morning

Slipping into darkness by noon

It’s cool

The way of the fool

Foolish with a whimper

The quiet need boom

You crack to break disaster

Teach others what to do





“You’re no good for me but I have to have you.” 

September 20, 2010 
       

My dependency isn’t everything

I’m free so I want everything

Painful but I’m hooked on you

Changing up my handwriting so you can read me

I’ve got this neo-soul whop to my words

Which sometimes leaves me without a thing to say, just words

No function, method, punctuation or reason

Prayers to God to stop frying my head

The meat is seasoned brown, done

On a plane to Los Angeles/

A road to self-redemption

After today who or what will I become?

After today

Love is no longer my concern

I have it

Mental practice


Mental 

December 17, 2009


I awake to the sounds of a sweet tender voice

Holding me firm from behind

Morning air is moist

Tattoos on him

They spell out my name

On the back of his neck

His lips

And his brain

Left a scar on me without leaving pain

Aftermath is so sweet

But it drives me insane


Black Suits  

April 5, 2009




Sugar stop,

Something about you is spoken for in several ways

I’m lost in lust

Gazing at your lips and the things you say

Yes I’m afraid, ‘fraid I’m going to rupture in delight

Take my hand, hold me steady dear on this evening flight

You’re beautiful




Black suit, will you come dress me?

In your fancy garments and fabrics please?

I’m a poor girl, waiting to get draped in your fantasy




Black suit are you as smooth as you move

Colored in the softness, complementing you

I’m a sucker for colors and black seems to be my suit.



Are you sure?

Sure you have your eye on the rightDonna

I won’t speak

Instead I’ll close my eyes with you in my dreams

Press a permanent image on me

I’m intrigued.




Black suit, will you come dress me

In your fancy garments and fabrics please?

I’m a poor girl, waiting to get draped in your fantasy




Black suit are you as smooth as you move

Colored in the softness, complementing you

I’m a sucker for colors and black seems to be my suit.




Black suit

Tailored as sharp as a razor

Precise in your layers

Add one more to me

As I go to sleep

Laying next to you…

Can I get next to you?

No, no next to you…

Right next to you




I’m a naked lady, waiting for warmth of your suit

I’m interested in the things you do

Interested in you.

And your black suit


Beautiful  

April 2, 2009



I’m a poisoned apple

With a gorgeous look

Yet when you take a bite

It’s the end

And yes I warn them first

Before they ask to taste

Adam and Eve, the deadly sin

Juicy I must agree

Consequence not so sweet

And I remain the tempting one



When I’m close to your world

Prepare your fragile heart

Because I hurt, yes I hurt



Nothing intentional

I swear

It’s a curse so beware

Cause it hurts, it hurts



Holding caution signs

In a traffic zones with no cones

I’m a wreck and a crash

But you find it beautiful

You find me beautiful

I only know hurt and pain

Plans to free them

And give me a new name

Something beautiful.


Call me Beautiful



RnB  

January 18, 2009



I love your R&B

Your beat, that genre of tunes

Your rhythm and your blues

That constant pace

That you keep with a clasp

Or a snap of percussions

That moment when you hit

It goes fast or slow

and it goes, it flows

It bellows from your chords

Or just your diaphragm

The sway in your sway

Or the attitude of the day

Be it nice or mean it stays

High about all things

It is that heartthrob

That rhyme

That next melody

For the song

And for this song

Its part is only half

For I also enjoy your blues

Maybe you don’t

But I do

It is my chance to tell

How you react to how I feel

I pick up emotional traits

From you as you sit

Knowing about the reflection

Then resurrection from death

Spirits while you are down

Indigo lights on the ground

When you got the blues

I am here to soothe

Recreate

Reinstate

Again I will restate

That I am solely here to soothe

For I love your R&B

Better yet your rhythm and blues



Dusty 

December 12,  2008




My diction is a bit dusty

And so are some other things

Like my car, my tv, and my room

My grammar is a bit rusty

Been talking slang for a while

You you be like, “Ooh girl she a fool”

Back to my room

That’s so dusty

See I think its my air filter

I pledge to pledge daily

Use those feathers maybe

But the next day

The story is replayed

When I sleep at night

I breath those dust bunnies

Particles that aint funy

Shouldn’t be here since I pay so much money

Yet I still play dummy

Cause I still live here, hmmm

Pipes are a little bit rusty

Had a clog a day or three ago

Nasty water came out of my kitchen

Then the bathroom sink

And to think

I pay all this money to live here

See my conversations are a bit dull and dusty

But trust me I bring what I can

See, cause even if

I come off a bit boring

I make facial expression that seem a bit goofy

Let alone im hyper, talkative and can’t sing

So I wirte poetry

Under incandescent light rings

In the place that I have lived from month to month

In a patterned tone

I write out thoughts and feelings

Never been real clear

Kinda cloudy and dusty

The talent of my dancing words may be a bit rusty

But shit that me



Candlelights  

December 10, 2008



Can I have you?

The answer is no

Yet to be with you believe

I’ll leave

I’ll stay

I’ll come

I wont just go

On regular times of darkness

I see you

Only for the image to fade to a dreamy black

Yes black and blue tend to be the colors of my body

As I debate round by round

My mind and heart tend to fight

Trying to have one night

Can I collectively explore every possibility

And so sensually

Make love to you with my eyes

No contact needed

Plans to be developed

As your eyes trickle down

I’m viewing an early vertical rise

On the sound

We officially set our phones

To the off position

Using intuition

To figure out each move

Let’s set a date

For this…

first interaction

Where you gain full satisfaction

By just holding me

And with a tight force

Your undresser relieves my pressure

Snaps off my cover

And you rip and tear off my clothes

Can I have this lover?

Cause another could never have this dance

Where we moved without garment or talking

Not even on our feet

Controlled by every candle flicker

Can I have what I need?

︎